It’s been one of those days. And I feel a little ridiculous for even saying that because I’m sure I’ve had harder days as a mom. But for some reason today hit me hard. I cried probably just as much as Payton did, and I didn’t get one single thing done on my to do list. I’ve been a little extra emotional the past couple weeks and I’m not quite sure why, but I know I’m not the only mom that can feel incredibly overwhelmed over the littlest things. I think what brought on these emotions especially today was a collection of “events” that happened.
It all started when I read an amazing article this morning that made me feel like a superhero. It was about being a stay at home mom and how we literally do everything and take care of everyone, but often don’t take the time for ourselves. It made me feel heard and I connected with the story so much. This article in particular made me feel like I am doing something right and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
But then today when I was at the grocery store, some lady commented on how cute Payton was and that “I must not work since I’m at the store so early.” I commented back , “Oh yeah I don’t work, I’m just a stay at home mom.” JUST a stay at home mom. Why did I say it like that? As if it’s not hard and it’s not so incredibly tolling that sometimes I have my own mental breakdowns? And also, MIND YA BUSINESS LADY! For someone who doesn’t even know me, you’re really reading into my personal life a little too much if you ask me! But I just let it go and tried to remember everything on my grocery list instead.
I got home and for some reason Payton was not a happy girl today. Which made everything harder. I had these big plans to clean our cabin, actually finish the laundry for once, file the paperwork that’s been sitting there; my to-do list goes on. But I couldn’t. I honestly couldn’t do a single thing because she was so upset and crying so hard. I felt like I was trying everything under the sun to make her feel better but it wasn’t working. She basically exhausted herself and finally fell asleep in my arms. She didn’t seem comfortable in my arms so I laid her in her bed and thankfully she stayed asleep for a little bit.
I went into the room to check on her after about 45 minutes and accidentally kicked a package of wipes which woke her up, and made her start screaming again. It was so sad!! Literally nothing I did would help her calm down. Her cry sounded like she was in pain and I couldn’t visually see anything wrong so I knew it had to be something inside? Payton is such a happy baby and SO calm. She really only cries or fusses a little bit if she needs something. But this cry was different. I called her pediatrician, and by the sounds of Payton screaming in the background they suggested I take her to the Emergency Room. I think I went into like autopilot or something because I was pretty calm. I called my mom to let her know, and in seconds she was waiting by my car to come with me to give me support. I’m sure she knew I was worried.
We got all checked in and were in a Triage room super quick. They did a full physical on Payton and everything seemed to check out just fine! They wanted to do an X-ray just incase though so we headed back to get that done. She looked SO tiny on that big table!! They scanned her within minutes and we headed back to our room. Payton was pretty calmed down by that time and she finished some of her bottle. Shortly after our nurse came back in and said Payton just had gas backed up in her belly that would cause really anybody discomfort and pain! In my mind as happy as I was she was completely fine, I felt so silly that I brought her in for what turned out to be just gas. JUST gas! There I go again with that word “JUST.”
It took me a minute, and then I realized it. For an almost three month old baby, gas pains can feel pretty awful on her tiny tummy. So “just gas” to Payton probably felt absolutely terrible! I shouldn’t feel silly for bringing her in to get checked. And who knows it could have been something worse but because I took her to the ER like our pediatrician has told us to, we found out it was something totally fixable.
All in all, today felt so incredibly exhausting to me. I came home after picking Carter up from his Grandma’s and realized there were wet towels in the washer that would need to be “re-washed.” I came home and realized I really had no dinner planned. I came home and smelled a yucky garbage that needed to be taken out. The list goes on. But I know shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I need to realize that it’s okay, because it won’t always be like this. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really get to have or express my feelings because I never want to seem weak, and also because I care SO much about my kids that I need all my strength for them instead of myself. I’m also not always good at talking about my feelings even when I am asked. I will fully admit I had a mini mental breakdown after the kids fell asleep tonight. I just kept crying looking at our two precious children sleeping peacefully. Why was I crying? Who knows, probably hormones, but I couldn’t help it. They looked so perfect. My heart hurts because I love them so much! I just hope they always feel and know, how much I love and care for them. I may never stop worrying as a mother, but my love sure grows stronger every minute for them. I know all of my hard work for them is so worth it! Also, Jeff’s been gone all week on a hunting trip in Wisconsin. You think I’m ready for him to come home?! UM YES.
To all of those mother’s who are “just” a stay at home mom. And to all of the mother’s who are “just” a working mom. Don’t ever question your strength. We all have off days, crazy days, happy days, and more. I know I’m not the only one! We honestly have the hardest job in the world being mom’s. And while you may feel like nobody really sees your non-stop work, don’t ever question your worth. You are strong. You are wise. You are beautiful. YOU ARE A MOTHER. And you’re doing the best you can!!!
Lots of love and God Bless,