“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” Isaiah 43:2
I actually wrote this post about two weeks ago, but I hadn’t been able to find the courage to post it. I thought many times that I should just let it go. But this is what my blog is for, to share real feelings whether they are happy or sad, and to potentially try and help others who may be going through the same thing. For the longest time I never felt like I should share this, but I recently saw someone share a status on Facebook about breaking the silence. The more I read about healing from it, the more I think it needs to be talked about so it’s not so uncomfortable for moms who go through it. Knowing that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I decided that I know I’m not alone and I’m ready to share our story. This post is going to be a little longer than normal.
There are moments in your life that you remember so vividly, that you’ll never be able to forget them. I admire this when it happens during happy times. Being on vacation in a beautiful place, moving into a brand new home, watching your children grow up, the list is endless. There are also those memories that you remember so vividly, but they bring you into a place of sadness. Not making the team, saying goodbye to a loved one, being involved in an accident, etc.
At the end of April I took a girls trip to Disney World with my best friends, and I knew I was late. I didn’t think much of it because I had been flying, walking a ton, and was pretty busy. I decided to take a pregnancy test, not thinking much into it. I left the test on the bathroom counter, and kept cleaning our room. It was about a half hour later and I thought to myself, “Whoops! I forgot I took that pregnancy test!” I headed back upstairs and to my surprise it was positive, “WHAT! Oh my goodness, I’M PREGNANT?!” My heart jumped for joy. Jeff was at work so I wasn’t even going to tell him yet, this was just my little secret for now. I put my hands on my lower stomach and began to get teary-eyed, I talked to our baby out loud and said, “You are SO loved already little one. I can’t wait to meet you.” Jeff got home from work that afternoon and of course I couldn’t keep it a secret. He was sitting at the kitchen table and I sat the test in front of him. He couldn’t believe it either and said, “Are you serious?!” Then got up and gave me a big hug; he was beaming.
I scheduled my first appointment with a doctor in Ohio, for when I was going to be about eight and a half weeks along. Before that when I was six weeks pregnant I had some bleeding, so I headed in for an ultrasound. It ended up being a Subchorionic Hemotoma, which is basically when the placenta detaches from the original implantation site. Mine was fairly small, so the doctor wasn’t too concerned I just needed to take it easy and not push myself too much. I had my first appointment a couple weeks later and everything went fine. My estimated due date was January 10th. A few days later we were heading back to Tawas for the summer, and were so excited to share the new with our families. We only told our immediate family members, by Carter wearing a big brother shirt for them. It was so cute!
It was June 17, 2018, and we woke up to celebrate Jeff’s second Father’s Day with Carter. It was a beautiful day so we planned on spending it on the beach and with our families. At this point I was 10 weeks and three days pregnant with our baby. I loved the fact that we were about to share Father’s Day as a family of four and not just three! We were so excited for our family to keep growing. I noticed right when I woke up that I was bleeding, but it wasn’t a large amount so I didn’t say anything right away. By the late morning it had become worse, so I told Jeff and we called my doctor in Ohio. Since it was a Sunday, it was pretty hard to get a hold of anyone at the office so I spoke with a nurse at the hospital instead. She recommended that I should head to the ER right away to get further testing since my symptoms didn’t sound normal. Jeff and I drove to the hospital, and left Carter with my parents.
I prayed the whole way there. I kept taking deep breaths and telling myself that everything was going to be fine. We checked in at the Emergency Room and waited for about 20 minutes until they called us back. They tried to do a hand-held ultrasound to see if they could hear a heartbeat but they couldn’t really hear anything. The nurse said sometimes it’s still too early to hear it that way anyways. I was hooked up to an IV, had my blood drawn, and eventually headed down the hall to receive an actual ultrasound. It was a little calming because our ultrasound technician that was on call was actually one of our family members. I think in any time of stress it’s always nice to see a familiar face. We finished the ultrasound and headed back to our room to wait.
There was some golf tournament on that weekend so we watched that a little bit, and some “Love It or List it” on HGTV. The doctor came in and I just assumed everything was fine, that it was just something little and we’d be out of there in no time. But I could tell right when he started talking it wasn’t good. “You lost the baby.” The four words that I won’t ever be able to forget. I’m not one to show my actual emotions in front of others, I don’t like it when people see me sad or upset so I just listened to what the doctor had to say. Our baby had stopped growing at seven weeks. Since there was no heartbeat we would need to see what the plan was going to be next. The doctor left the room to give us a few moments alone. I immediately broke down. Jeff was holding his arms around me and rubbing my back, I know he didn’t even know what to say either. I didn’t understand. We were supposed to be celebrating Father’s Day and instead were inside a hospital finding out that we had lost our baby. Nothing made sense.
Our doctor was extremely helpful and made the phone call to my doctor in Ohio for me. I’m not sure I could have even said it out loud at that point. I was at a loss for words. I’ll never forget one of the nurses coming in to finish our paperwork and she actually said something that I really didn’t think should have been said. She asked how old our other child was and I said 15 months, and she made a comment saying something like, “Well that would have been a lot with two young children at those ages.” I’m like did I just hear that right? My mind was already spinning and to hear a comment like that basically saying that I would have been overwhelmed or something had I had this baby to try and make me feel better? It wasn’t okay. But I was just silent because there were a million other thoughts going through my head. I was given directions to go home and rest and would most likely have a procedure done in a couple days.
I went home, saw my parents and told them the news. It really didn’t feel like it was real. We had some dinner, played with Carter, and went to bed that night. I’ll say it again, it just didn’t seem real because I wasn’t even feeling anything. I almost felt numb. The next afternoon was one of the hardest days of my entire life.
“I am with you, always.” Matthew 28:20
Monday morning I had went to the doctor and scheduled a procedure for Tuesday so I assumed nothing would happen until then. That afternoon I found myself in agonizing pain as if I was in labor. I was having a natural miscarriage. I spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom crying as I was passing everything. How could this be happening. I was going through the hard process and pain of labor, yet I wasn’t going to have a baby to hold at the end of it. It was the worst experience of my entire life. Thank the Lord my parents were right next door to babysit Carter for us so Jeff could sit with me. I’ll never forget our dog Bella waiting right outside of the bathroom the entire time because she was worried about me too. It was about a four hour process, and I was exhausted afterwards. We thought maybe since that had happened I wouldn’t need the procedure the next morning.
Tuesday morning I still had to have the procedure done even though I had naturally miscarried, they still had to go in and clear the rest of everything out. Once that was over I headed home to rest. I was feeling pretty emotionally exhausted and defeated. SO many whys were going through my head, and sometimes do still to this day. A few days later Jeff and I had a small ceremony with just the two of us to grieve alone together. I had found a poem that was pretty spot on that I read:
It was very emotional for the both of us, but I knew we needed some type of closure. The words in the poem helped it make a little more sense to us, and gave us guidance. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without Jeff. He’s my other half, and an incredible husband. He was with me every step of the way.
After about a week I was starting to feel like myself again. I was getting back into my normal routine, and getting ready for a great week with my friends in town. I don’t know what I would have done without my family and friends support. I knew how common miscarriages were but honestly never thought I would ever have one. I was embarrassed to share or even tell anyone at first. I would have thoughts of not wanting to say anything about it, because I felt like I did something wrong or that my body wasn’t good enough to get pregnant again or something crazy like that. But I think it is SO important for anyone who has survived a miscarriage that they feel they can share their story. Once I started opening up more about my own story, I realized how many people have been through the same thing. It might sound crazy, but the more I have talked about it and the more I write about it now, it’s helped me heal.
I’ll always wish I was able to have our baby. I wish I was still pregnant and getting ready to go through our bins with newborn stuff in them from Carter. I know he or she is with Jesus now, and they will tell us “why” when we get there someday. But for now I will embrace the fact that we have another glorious guardian angel looking down upon us each day. I pray each day for families that have gone through this. It is not an easy road and can be difficult to talk about, but please know that you are not alone. Share your story with a close friend or family member, I promise you it helps. There is a song that I have always loved that can give you the word of God through a hard time as well. Here is the link below:
When God knows we are ready, he will lead us to the next plan in our lives and if we have to wait a little longer for another baby, I’m okay with that. We absolutely want more children, and look forward to the day that God has set for us to have them. I still have my days where I long to be pregnant still with our baby, and I can’t help but cry. That’s okay too. Letting out your emotions can actually help you heal! I always remember how blessed we are with the most beautiful blonde boy named Carter, that I thank God every single day for. Going through this makes me hug Carter even more tight each day, and let him sit on my lap past bedtime a little longer because I am so in love with being his mommy, and am so grateful.
Thank you so much for taking the time to make it through this whole post. I know it was a sad and long one, but I feel a breath of fresh air by sharing it. I know I’m not alone, and if you know someone else who has been through something similar feel free to share this story with them. We are all in this together. We can all heal together. We can all share our stories together. And as the month of October continues, just keep in mind those who have gone through a loss and say a prayer for them. If you know someone personally, remind them that they are not alone! God has set an extraordinary path ahead for each one of us. I can’t wait to see what he has planned for us next.
“The pain you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” Romans 8:18
Lots of love and God Bless,