“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Today marks one year since I took a positive pregnancy test. A positive test for our baby that we would never get to meet. I will never forget the excitement and overwhelming feeling of joy looking town at those test words, “Pregnant.” I still have the picture of the positive test in my phone, and was reminded of it this morning when I checked my Timehop app. I knew it was right around this time, but I didn’t think it was today. I was a little taken back and got pretty emotional seeing it. I was swiping through my Timehop and seeing all of our girls trip pictures from Disney World, and then one more swipe led me to the picture of the positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately we had a miscarriage that following June when I was about ten and a half weeks along. I will cherish that day for the rest of my life, and will always wish that I could have met our precious baby.
I told my miscarriage story back in October: “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.” Isaiah 43:2. I also wrote about how we hoped and prayed that we would be able to have another baby soon. Little did I know that after I wrote that blog post, we would find out we were pregnant again just a few weeks later.
Fast forward to the beginning of December. The day that I went in for an ultrasound to check on my ovarian cysts, was just like any other day. It was just a follow up ultrasound, and I didn’t expect too much because I had been feeling pretty good. When the ultrasound technician told me that I was pregnant, I was a whole box of emotions. Happy, scared, excited, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, and so many more feelings. You can read more about this in my “Pregnancy Diary: First Trimester” blog post.
I was six weeks along by then, so our baby was just a little tiny bean but had the most beautiful heartbeat. To hear a heartbeat and just know that in that moment everything is good, was so empowering. I prayed and prayed that God would allow my body to grow another healthy baby, in his time of course. Even though this was beyond scary for me, and I didn’t even want to to talk about it because it scared me more. It was clearly a prayer answered from God. I felt pretty awful the next few weeks. I was beyond tired, nauseous most of the day, and had headaches. I felt like I had too much wine the night before every morning when I woke up, and clearly I hadn’t had a sip! I just tried to stay hydrated the best I could and ate small meals here and there.
I think the first trimester after a miscarriage is the scariest part. I prayed so hard that I would just make it into the second trimester and that everything would be okay. I was 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant when I was told I was having a miscarriage last June. Unfortunately we also found out on Father’s Day, so it was even more heartbreaking. I spent many days where I would cry and worry, and just sit there praying.
I’ll never forget one day Carter was sitting on the living room floor playing with his cars and I was sitting on the couch. We had Pandora radio playing in the background with Disney songs, and the song “You’ll Be in my Heart” came on from Tarzan. For some reason, I just lost it and started sobbing. Carter looked at me like I was a crazy person, but then walked up and put his head into my stomach and lap. I picked him up and just hugged him so tight. I was feeling so overwhelmed and scared, and trying to just let go and let God, but there are moments where it is more challenging than others. Carter is the joy and love of our lives, and he is such a blessing. Of course I couldn’t help but get a little more crying out because it was just SO sweet of him. I love that little boy beyond words. My point is that having a pregnancy after a loss can bring on emotions at really any moment, especially songs in my case.
We really only told our immediate family members about this pregnancy when I was a little over ten weeks. It was hard to keep it a secret but I was so scared to share it at the same time. I was reminded when I told our families about my past pregnancy, and after it had ended in a loss I almost felt like I wish I would have kept it to myself. It’s the weirdest feeling, but you feel like your body is incapable at the time, and I’m not one to discuss my deep feelings very often. I am always looking for the positive or sunshine out of any situation because life it so short, so I tried to do that with my miscarriage too. But it did hit me hard in the most random times, and there were days where I would sit and cry. But crying is a good thing! It’s a release of emotions, and God is there to wipe those tears if you just sit and listen to him.
Getting into my second trimester and being able to hear the heartbeat at my 14 week appointment was such a relief. I felt stronger emotionally and physically, and knew that in just a few more weeks I would maybe feel our little baby move for the first time. Our ultrasound at 20 weeks was even better. We could finally see our baby again, and watching her move and roll around was just beautiful. I was teary-eyed the whole time, and just kept thanking God for this moment and this baby.
I have definitely been more emotional throughout this pregnancy. But I now go to my baby appointments at peace. I go to them at peace because I know through prayer and devotion that God is with me. He has a beautiful plan for us and I know that we just need to be patient as we see what’s next. Even though this pregnancy has caused me anxiety and many emotions, it has also taught me so much about myself. I feel more brave. I feel more empowered. I feel closer to God. I can’t help but thank him for each moment throughout this journey. Every time I feel our baby girl’s kicks and moves, (even when she’s jabbing me in the ribs LOL), it brings me so much joy. In just a couple more days I will officially be in my third trimester!
The entire journey of having a pregnancy after a miscarriage makes you so much more self aware. I also am more mindful that life truly is SO precious. We owe our pregnancy journey all to God and his wonderful work because we are so excited to meet our baby girl this July. If you have been through an experience like this, it does help to express your emotions by speaking about it. I’ll never forget May 2, 2018 when I took that positive pregnancy test with our angel baby. But I will forever strive to be the best mother I can be each and every day, I’ve grown so much from telling my story, and it has connected me with so many amazing women who have unfortunately been going through the same thing. I definitely wouldn’t have made it through without the support of my family and friends, so thank you so much again. It means the world to me and to our family! Now onto my third trimester, God is SO good!
Lots of love and God Bless,